SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY PROPOSES ALTERNATIVES TO NCAA SANCTIONS
To replace the sanctions imposed by the NCAA, the Syracuse University Athletic Department has proposed 10 alternatives, stating that it is unfair to punish current and future SU student-athletes for any "alleged" NCAA violations by their predecessors. No admission of actual guilt is acknowledged.
(1) Every Saturday during the off-season, Coach Boeheim shall be put under house arrest at Friendly's Family Restaurant, forced to eat his favorite ice cream really fast, and wave his arms like an albatross until the brain-freeze subsides. He will have do it again when he wins his 1000th game played only by eligible players.
(2) Julie Boeheim, dressed in clothes bought off-the-rack, will be forced to watch the brain-freeze torture, while singing "Afternoon Delight" in Jim's ear, over and over.
(3) All the "ineligible" players will be rounded up by Dog the Bounty Hunter and sent to Disneyland, where they will be sentenced to ride all day long through "It's a Small World" in a boat filled with a school chorus of tone-deaf, mouse-eared children of Scientologists opposed to the measles vaccine. The players will not get a bathroom break and they will miss the Parade!
(4) Taco Bell will invoice any responsible ineligible players for the cost of all the tacos that were given away to fans after games in which they played.
(5) The luxury SUVs provided to the "coaching staff" by local auto dealerships will no longer be equipped with multi-disk CD players.
(6) In lieu of Athletic Scholarships, all new recruits will have to settle for Academic Scholarships.
(7) Bernie Fine will be declared ineligible for induction into the College Basketball Hall of Fame. The same goes for John Thompson and Bobby Knight. Any prior induction shall be nullified.
(8) Some of the actual ingredients of Dome Dogs will be published in The Daily Orange.
(9) The 2016 SU Cheerleading Squad will not get new uniforms until ACC Conference play begins.
(10) In 2016, The SU Marching Band will not be allowed on "Jim Boeheim" Court to play "We Are The Champions". They will only be allowed to play "Afternoon Delight" or "It's a Small World."