An 8-Step Solution to the Syrian Refugee Crisis ... and more

1. Close the prison at GTMO
2. Replace it with a refugee camp (the entire base is 46 square miles) named in honor of President Obama.
3. Open a casino (for training purposes).
4. Train the refugees for jobs in restaurants, hotels and casini ... perhaps through UNLV Cooperative Extension.
(There are many restaurants already on the base, including: McDonalds, Pizza Hut. Baskin-Robbins, etc.)
5. Pay them $15 per hour, but get it all back by charging for Room & Board and tuition.
6. When the refugees complete 8 weeks of training, cut off their food supply and supply them with facsimiles of Cuban credentials .
7. On moonless nights, open the gates to Cuba to allow the refuges to disperse and find jobs in burgeoning tourism industry.
8. Reopen the restaurants and bring in another group of refugees.

Note: When the refugee crisis is over, deport illegal immigrants now in the US and turn the base into a resort and amusement park, perhaps called "ObamaLand"

Some Ideas for My Epitaph

• Oops !
• Still don't have a clue
• 'Tis a far, far better something-or--other
• DC al Fine
• Lift-off, we have Lift-off !
• 42, it IS 42 !
• Gone Fishing (with the worms)
• LOL
• Would someone please feed my cats
• Pickle Me Elmo
• Vacancy
• Ungrateful
• My name is Ozymandius ... Oh, wait ...
• God Almighty, I'm free at last
• Still thinking outside the box
• I'm right behind you
• Error 404 -- File not Found
• At least I'm not hungry
• This, too, shall pass
• Do you want to dance?
• I have to pee real bad !
• Life and Death:  a dream within a dream ... but which is which?
• Fuck the flowers -- go get a shovel !

Seriously, how about "Perchance to Dream"

As a Rainy Day Dawns

Note:  This would make a better song than a poem.  Thus, it is a Work in Progress. 
Suggestions are welcome

As a rainy day dawns,
a weak old man yawns.
His legs and hands ache,
so he knows he's awake.

With groans and with moans
and creaky old bones,
with grunts and with sighs,
the man tries to arise.

His vision is blurred.
He can't hear a word.
With each wheezy breath
he's closer to death.

Accepting his pain,
he smiles at the rain.

When his feet touch the floor
he thanks God once more
for the gift of the dawn
and  the strength to go on,.

TRUST -- the saddest poem I've ever written

I remember the first time, twelve years ago,
   when a spring-loaded kitten
      jumped down from my desk and sat on my lap.
His name was Shamus,
   but we sometimes called him "Wild Thing",
      so I was delighted to have earned a little trust.

Today, "Wild Thing" was sitting on my lap for the very last time,
    as we waited for the vet to open that dreaded door.
He was serene -- I was sad,
   but also delighted that he put all his trust in me.
I remember thinking how his life is truly in my hands,
     and how it troubles me to have already made a decision
         that he doesn't know about ...
 or does he?

Something donned on me today ...

"Don" is a title of respect,
as in Don Quixote, Don Juan, or even Don Corleone.
So, how do you explain:
Donald Duck, Donald Trump (Dona nobis pacem)
Don Ho, Don Rickles, Donny Osmond, Donna Summer,
Don and Donna, Donder & Blitzen, Jelly Donuts
and "Don we now our gay apparel" ?
Don't it kinda make you wonder? Don't it, though?
(Sorry for the redundancy.)
I'm no John Donne but day is done
and I'm all done with this dumb* poem.
Done, done, done, DONE!
____
* Tomorrow, I may ponder Dumb & Dumber, Dominos
Dom Perignon, Dom DeLuis, FemDom, the Carrier Dome, Domestic Violence and Dominic vobiscum.

Winners and Losers

A WINNER is someone
who daily takes chances,
learns from their losses,
and gives their winnings away.

A LOSER is someone
who never takes chances
because they fear losing
something they've already lost.

Consciousness, Creation, Buddhism and the Bible in 60 seconds

My Least Favorite Things

I recently had the good fortune to participate in a masterclass sponsored the Onondaga County Public Library and CNYJazz.  (Video to be posted here eventually.)  Encouraged by Larry L and a others who enjoyed my performance of "Dreams of a Lovestruck Biologist", I'm learning how to accompany myself on the guitar.  Here's a progress report: a rough recording of a song from
 "The Sound of Mortars".

CLICK HERE for my SOUNDCLOUD  Page

"The Sound of Mortars"  is set in war-time Afghanistan.  Is there any other time in Afghanistan? It's about a beautiful double-agent,  "Madeeja" (played by Christiana Amanpour), and a lovable but bungling band of seven dwarf terrorists, who follow her everywhere.  Other songs include: The Sound of Mortars (Madeeja), How Do You Solve a Problem like Korea and Climb Every Mountain (both sung by Mother Hillary). and Invaded Twice (Ain't it nice), sung by Captain Von Laden,  joined by Madeeja and the boys, just before they escape the military occupation of their beloved, pulverized homeland.

The story is fiction, of course, based on fact that is reminiscent of earlier fiction based on earlier fact. The name of the war may be different, but the story's the same. Who knows? The fiction/fact cycle may even go back, war by war, to the Peloponnesian War, and the futile attempt by Sisyphus to escape over the mountains with his very large pet rock.  

What's the Fuss?

The world is in turmoil. 
So it seems.  On a global scale, nations are dealing with terrorism, disease, genocide, natural disasters and poverty.  On an individual level, it's the same -- people are struggling with their personal fears, health, mortality, physical security and finances.

How do I know this? 
My perception of everything that's happening in the world depends upon how I process electrical impulses in my brain.  Everything that I perceive, everything I've seen, heard or read about, plus everything that I conceive and that I believe, is electrical impulses in my brain.  All Creation ... the Present, Past and Future of the Universe and all that dwell within and beyond it, are merely electrical impulses in my brain.

Does it matter whether there is more to Reality than that? 
For practical purposes, everything has been reduced.  These electrical impulses are mine to do with as I please.  So, just for fun, I'll take my view of the world and stir in some fantasies and some memories. My vision of the future is imaginary, of course.  Memories are my perception of things that happened in the past, minus the details that I've forgotten, plus whatever I now imagine to have perceived at the time. Let's be honest, memories are (to some degree) imaginary.  The Truth is not naked.

So, it's all the same, huh?
When I recall the past or envision the future, it's all just electrical impulses ... like my perception of the present world in turmoil.  Everything is just electrical impulses in my brain.  
But wait! 
 Surely, my brain is not the true center of the Universe. I'm just a lowly pilgrim.  
So why, I humbly ask, is everybody making such a big fuss about my electrical impulses?

If you have an answer to this rhetorical question, I'd like to hear it. It will become another electrical impulse to be processed, then stored or forgotten, like the rest. Ho, Hum!  Of course, that's no excuse for you to be apathetic. I have mine. Go get your own.
   
FINI

A Split-Rail Fence

PAIN is a fence -- 
     sometimes barbed-wire.
More often,
     a split-rail fence.
It can confine us,    
     if we succumb to it. 
We have choices, though:
Climb over it;  
      leap over it; 
          or pole-vault.  
Crawl under it.  
     Squeeze through it.  
Dismantle it. 
Balance on it.   
Find a gate; or build one.
Just ignore it, 
      run smack into it, 
      and get even more pain.
We always have choices.
Indecision is one of them.

One More Night

When my ashes are entombed,
my soul will go into the Gloom
to feel the Burn
                    or see the Light.     

I asked the Keeper of the Gate,
"Do I really have to wait?"
 I want to learn.
                    She said, "Alright."

If you perceive a fuzzy glow,
then you will know that I went Home
but have returned
                    for one more night,
                    for one more night.
                    

Port-of-Call

At birth,
      we disembarked to a port-of-call
             full of joy and sorrow, pain and pleasure.
We may view it as a furlough,
       as a life sentence of imprisonment in a body,
             or as an all-day pass at an amusement park.
When the Captain blows the whistle,
        we stop what we're doing, return to the ship
                     and sail on.

Omniscience: a Paradox

 

Patience and Fortitude are the names of the two stone lions

that guard the entrance to the New York Public Library.

With the help of these guardians,
you can learn a lot -- but not everything.
For omniscience, you'll need a bigger library.

Somewhere in the Unified Field, there's a Cosmic Depository
that holds the answers to every question, including those that have yet to be asked.
Across that portal, two stone mallards squarely face one another.
With their help, there's no limit to how much you can learn.
Their names are Humility and Chutzpah.

Life's a beach. Ain't it?

Life's a beach. Ain't it?

Adapted from a photo by Melissa Maynard Leger.

Dreams of a Lovestruck Biologist

https://soundcloud.com/drspeedbump/lovestruck-biologist

Years before John Denver wrote Annie's Song, I wrote a Biologist's Valentine Sonnet for my fiance'. She married me anyway ... and we spent a lifetime together. (There's a special place in heaven for that woman.) John Denver wasn't so fortunate -- Annie left him. Apparently, I'm a better lyricist than John. I recently set the poem to music and cleaned up the lyrics, a little. It's rated PG. I hope you like it. If you let Soundcloud continue, you'll hear some of my serious compositions:There Will Always Be Dragons to Slay (A Father's Lullaby); Ave Maria; and A Prayer for Guidance.

Vitruvian Man

Let's face it, nobody's perfect.

so, in response to Vitruvian Man by Leonardo DaVinci ...

...The Attention Deficit Compan humbly presents:  

Vitruvian Man With a Limp by Leonardo DaVinny

SU PROPOSES ALTERNATIVES TO NCAA SANCTIONS

PRESS RELEASE --  March 6, 2015
SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY PROPOSES ALTERNATIVES TO NCAA SANCTIONS

To replace the sanctions imposed by the NCAA, the Syracuse University Athletic Department has proposed 10 alternatives, stating that it is unfair to punish current and future SU student-athletes for any "alleged" NCAA violations by their predecessors.   No admission of actual guilt is acknowledged.

(1)  Every Saturday during the off-season, Coach Boeheim shall be put under house arrest at Friendly's Family Restaurant,  forced to eat his favorite ice cream really fast, and wave his arms like an albatross until the brain-freeze subsides.  He will have do it again when he wins his 1000th game played only by eligible players.
(2)  Julie Boeheim, dressed in clothes bought off-the-rack, will be forced to watch the brain-freeze torture, while singing "Afternoon Delight" in Jim's ear, over and over.
(3)  All the "ineligible" players will be rounded up by Dog the Bounty Hunter and sent to Disneyland, where they will be sentenced to ride all day long through "It's a Small World" in a boat filled with a school chorus of tone-deaf, mouse-eared  children of Scientologists opposed to the measles vaccine.  The players will not get a bathroom break and they will miss the Parade!
(4)  Taco Bell will invoice any responsible ineligible players for the cost of all the tacos that were given away to fans after games in which they played.
(5)  The luxury SUVs provided to the "coaching staff"  by local auto dealerships will no longer be equipped with multi-disk CD players.
(6)  In lieu of Athletic Scholarships, all new recruits will have to settle for Academic Scholarships.
(7)  Bernie Fine will be declared ineligible for induction into the College Basketball Hall of Fame.  The same goes for John Thompson and Bobby Knight. Any prior induction shall be nullified.
(8) Some of the actual ingredients of Dome Dogs will be published in The Daily Orange.
(9) The 2016 SU Cheerleading Squad will not get new uniforms until ACC Conference play begins.
(10) In 2016, The SU Marching Band will not be allowed on "Jim Boeheim" Court to play "We Are The Champions".  They will only be allowed to play "Afternoon Delight" or "It's a Small World."

HOW TO GET FREE AUDIOBOOKS

FREE AUDIOBOOKS

Classic Literature

http://librivox.org 

            1000s of books in the public domain --- free downloads ---

              --- and an opportunity for you to record a chapter of a work in progress

Contemporary Literature

Go to YOUTUBE
and search for "AUDIOBOOK [SUBJECT or AUTHOR or TITLE or PUBLISHER]"

You may be surprised to find complete audiobooks by "Sounds True" and many others. Fiction and Non.

FILTER by "long duration" (>20 min.) to avoid reviews and (some) Oprah interviews; or search for "complete" or "full" audiobook.

For example:  "Audiobook Buddhism" >3000 results

    https://www.youtube.com/results?filters=long&search_query=audiobook+buddhism&lclk=long

Another example:  "Audiobook Enlightenment"

    https://www.youtube.com/results?filters=long&search_query=audiobook+enlightenment&lclk=long

 That's how I found this hard-to-find book from the 1970's:   
A LAZY MAN'S GUIDE TO ENLIGHTENMENT

  For Pilgrims with AD[D], whether male, female or undeclared.   
  No Mushrooms or Morning Glory seeds required.   

  The author did that for you -- then wrote down what he learned.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCTJ1bBSI-g&list=PLohu4UYGppCQ0f2qhyfpZ9f-xf0sD9baq

To Record a YouTube Video as MP3  (For Personal Use only, of course)

http://www.listentoyoutube.com/ 

As insurance against hypothetical Ad-Ware, I suggest that you keep your anti-spyware program active during this process.

Then, you can burn it onto a CD using ITUNES or WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER. 

There's a way to separate the one big track into shorter tracks --- but if you want to do all that, you may as well buy the damn audiobook or borrow it (or download it) from the library.

A Day at the Fair -- Part 1

JONATHAN BAUMAN

A bright sunny Senior Citizen Day at the New York State Fair -- and Bowzer's bringing his Rock 'n' Roll Party to Chevy Court at 2 PM o'clock.   Never cared all that much for his persona but, hey, it's free Doo-Wop -- gotta go!  My hair's not long enough yet for Locks of Love -- so I brush it back and put on a 50-year old headband along with a tanktop.  I can't call it a muscle-shirt because, except for a few 'minor details', I look a lot like Olivia Newton John as Sandy in "Grease".  Summer Days and Summer Nights.

Put my Handicap Tag on  the handlebars of my scooter -- and pay a whole dollar for a bus ride from the Regional Market to the Main Gate.  The bus genuflects to let me off -- and I roll on through the gate, as the young guard asks, "Is that allowed?" and the old one replies, "Sure, why not?".  My question is this:  "Why am I the only person out of 100,000 who's riding a scooter today?" Go figure.

I learn that Bowzer's name is really Jonathan Bauman and, at the age of 12, he studied classical piano at Julliard.  The highlight of the Rock 'n' Roll Party was when he played "Chopin's Etude in E Major",  his mother's favorite tune.  When he got a standing O from the crowd of 10,000 or so, he got all choked up.  All of a sudden, I really like this guy.  Guest performers included the original "Duke of Earl" (now 74) and others whose names we've forgotten -- but not their songs.   The concert ended with "Good Night Sweetheart" (well, it's time to go, ba-bah'-ta-dah-dum'),  just like every show he's done with Sha-Na-Na and thereafter.

Bowz' then signed autographs and posed for photos for a queue way too long for me.  I got within earshot, though, played  a few bars of "Goodnight, Sweetheart" (on an F harp, his key)  and said "Your Mother's proud of you, Jonathan!".  He looked at me, gave me a big thumbs-up, smiled and said, "Thanks -- by the way,  that sounded really good on your harmonica ".  I waved and scooted off.  When I rolled back by Chevy Court about an hour later, he was still there with 100+ people still lined up.  I really do like this guy.  I really do.

[End of Part 1 -- Still to come:  "The Hypnotist"]

Why "MOONSHADOW"?

Why name a boat "Moonshadow".  Why change the name from "Ariel"?

A new phase of my life has begun.  After being together damn-near 46 years, I miss Debbi profoundly.  I considered naming the boat in her memory, like "Summer Song" by Chad & Jeremy, but then I'd get melancholy every time I thought about it.  Memories are safe in the past; nothing can harm them there.  The future is a concept; nothing will ever happen there.  All we have is this moment, right now.  Whoops, it's gone ... but here's another.  

I am indeed "leaping and hopping on a moonshadow".  I face a very real possibility of losing my right leg. (Put the bone-saw down, Doc, I've got some options to explore). I do believe that the "faithful light has found me".   I found the following interpretation of "MOONSHADOW"on Songfacts.com. Perhaps it should be called an interpolation. Whatever.  As a description of this moment, for me, I'll  quote from MY COUSIN, VINNY. "Dead on-balls accurate."**
 
MOONSHADOW
 
[Cat Stevens] wrote this about finding hope in any situation. Be present and joyful.
See life as it is, right now, and don't compare it to others' lives, or other times in your life.
Every moment in life is rich and unique; whether we are aware of it or not,
     we are always leaping and hopping on a moonshadow - the inescapable present moment.
If we are wrapped up in our whirlpools of worry and concern about what could be,
     or what has been, we are missing the richness of life as it is.
In the bridge of the song, Stevens seems to be speaking of faith, indicating ... that,
     although he is experiencing this ecstasy in the present, despite all the losses and
     suffering of existence, it is the light that has found him, and not the other way around.
     He is surrendering to a power greater than himself - the "faithful light." 
                                                                                                                        -- from Songfacts.com
 
Oh, I'm bein' followed by a moonshadow, moon shadow, moonshadow---
Leapin and hoppin' on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow---

And if I ever lose my hands, lose my plough, lose my land,
Oh if I ever lose my hands, Oh if I won't have to work no more.
And if I ever lose my eyes, if my colors all run dry,
Yes if I ever lose my eyes, Oh if I won't have to cry no more.
[Chorus]

And if I ever lose my legs, I won't moan, and I won't beg,
Yes if I ever lose my legs, Oh if I won't have to walk no more.
And if I ever lose my mouth, all my teeth, north and south,
Yes if I ever lose my mouth, Oh if I won't have to talk...

Did it take long to find me? I asked the faithful light.
Did it take long to find me? And are you gonna stay the night?
[Chorus]
Moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow.


**Coincidentally, that same phrase was used  many years ago to describe my seat-of-pants navigation when we sailed this very same boat from Oswego to Sackett's Harbor, despite small-craft warnings issued after we were well underway .  Not bad, considering the wind-drift and waves that resembled my garage. I have a photograph ... somewhere.