CHORAL OLYMPICS: a lofty idea

Conductor Events: 
Fermata, Caesura, Allargando, Vivace, Largo, Evil-Eye, Photocopying, Impossible Phrasing Instructions, Mis-Cueing, Self-Contradiction ...

Chorister Events: Dragging, Unintelligible Diction, Ad-lib Breathing, Heroism, Looking-Up Once in a While, Flipping Pages, Crystal-Shattering (Soprano),  Window-Rattling {Bass), Wisecracking (Alto), Award Ceremony Just for Showing Up (Tenor)

A Proposal to Make America Safe

A review of recent events reveals that white men with guns sometimes shoot black men with guns ...  and vice versa.  Thus, the common denominator is twofold --- men with guns.  Furthermore, most men are slobs; most women are not.  So, women are better qualified than men to command a "well-ordered militia".  The Second Amendment just says "citizens".   In the event of a true threat to the liberty of our Free State, women may choose to distribute arms to men, but not necessarily "firearms", nor live ammunition, neither of which are specified by the Second Amendment.

An 8-Step Solution to the Syrian Refugee Crisis ... and more

1. Close the prison at GTMO
2. Replace it with a refugee camp (the entire base is 46 square miles) named in honor of President Obama.
3. Open a casino (for training purposes).
4. Train the refugees for jobs in restaurants, hotels and casini ... perhaps through UNLV Cooperative Extension.
(There are many restaurants already on the base, including: McDonalds, Pizza Hut. Baskin-Robbins, etc.)
5. Pay them $15 per hour, but get it all back by charging for Room & Board and tuition.
6. When the refugees complete 8 weeks of training, cut off their food supply and supply them with facsimiles of Cuban credentials .
7. On moonless nights, open the gates to Cuba to allow the refuges to disperse and find jobs in burgeoning tourism industry.
8. Reopen the restaurants and bring in another group of refugees.

Note: When the refugee crisis is over, deport illegal immigrants now in the US and turn the base into a resort and amusement park, perhaps called "ObamaLand"

Some Ideas for My Epitaph

• Oops !
• Still don't have a clue
• 'Tis a far, far better something-or--other
• DC al Fine
• Lift-off, we have Lift-off !
• 42, it IS 42 !
• Gone Fishing (with the worms)
• LOL
• Would someone please feed my cats
• Pickle Me Elmo
• Vacancy
• Ungrateful
• My name is Ozymandius ... Oh, wait ...
• God Almighty, I'm free at last
• Still thinking outside the box
• I'm right behind you
• Error 404 -- File not Found
• At least I'm not hungry
• This, too, shall pass
• Do you want to dance?
• I have to pee real bad !
• Life and Death:  a dream within a dream ... but which is which?
• Fuck the flowers -- go get a shovel !

Seriously, how about "Perchance to Dream"

Something donned on me today ...

"Don" is a title of respect,
as in Don Quixote, Don Juan, or even Don Corleone.
So, how do you explain:
Donald Duck, Donald Trump (Dona nobis pacem)
Don Ho, Don Rickles, Donny Osmond, Donna Summer,
Don and Donna, Donder & Blitzen, Jelly Donuts
and "Don we now our gay apparel" ?
Don't it kinda make you wonder? Don't it, though?
(Sorry for the redundancy.)
I'm no John Donne but day is done
and I'm all done with this dumb* poem.
Done, done, done, DONE!
____
* Tomorrow, I may ponder Dumb & Dumber, Dominos
Dom Perignon, Dom DeLuis, FemDom, the Carrier Dome, Domestic Violence and Dominic vobiscum.

My Least Favorite Things

I recently had the good fortune to participate in a masterclass sponsored the Onondaga County Public Library and CNYJazz.  (Video to be posted here eventually.)  Encouraged by Larry L and a others who enjoyed my performance of "Dreams of a Lovestruck Biologist", I'm learning how to accompany myself on the guitar.  Here's a progress report: a rough recording of a song from
 "The Sound of Mortars".

CLICK HERE for my SOUNDCLOUD  Page

"The Sound of Mortars"  is set in war-time Afghanistan.  Is there any other time in Afghanistan? It's about a beautiful double-agent,  "Madeeja" (played by Christiana Amanpour), and a lovable but bungling band of seven dwarf terrorists, who follow her everywhere.  Other songs include: The Sound of Mortars (Madeeja), How Do You Solve a Problem like Korea and Climb Every Mountain (both sung by Mother Hillary). and Invaded Twice (Ain't it nice), sung by Captain Von Laden,  joined by Madeeja and the boys, just before they escape the military occupation of their beloved, pulverized homeland.

The story is fiction, of course, based on fact that is reminiscent of earlier fiction based on earlier fact. The name of the war may be different, but the story's the same. Who knows? The fiction/fact cycle may even go back, war by war, to the Peloponnesian War, and the futile attempt by Sisyphus to escape over the mountains with his very large pet rock.  

What's the Fuss?

The world is in turmoil. 
So it seems.  On a global scale, nations are dealing with terrorism, disease, genocide, natural disasters and poverty.  On an individual level, it's the same -- people are struggling with their personal fears, health, mortality, physical security and finances.

How do I know this? 
My perception of everything that's happening in the world depends upon how I process electrical impulses in my brain.  Everything that I perceive, everything I've seen, heard or read about, plus everything that I conceive and that I believe, is electrical impulses in my brain.  All Creation ... the Present, Past and Future of the Universe and all that dwell within and beyond it, are merely electrical impulses in my brain.

Does it matter whether there is more to Reality than that? 
For practical purposes, everything has been reduced.  These electrical impulses are mine to do with as I please.  So, just for fun, I'll take my view of the world and stir in some fantasies and some memories. My vision of the future is imaginary, of course.  Memories are my perception of things that happened in the past, minus the details that I've forgotten, plus whatever I now imagine to have perceived at the time. Let's be honest, memories are (to some degree) imaginary.  The Truth is not naked.

So, it's all the same, huh?
When I recall the past or envision the future, it's all just electrical impulses ... like my perception of the present world in turmoil.  Everything is just electrical impulses in my brain.  
But wait! 
 Surely, my brain is not the true center of the Universe. I'm just a lowly pilgrim.  
So why, I humbly ask, is everybody making such a big fuss about my electrical impulses?

If you have an answer to this rhetorical question, I'd like to hear it. It will become another electrical impulse to be processed, then stored or forgotten, like the rest. Ho, Hum!  Of course, that's no excuse for you to be apathetic. I have mine. Go get your own.
   
FINI

SU PROPOSES ALTERNATIVES TO NCAA SANCTIONS

PRESS RELEASE --  March 6, 2015
SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY PROPOSES ALTERNATIVES TO NCAA SANCTIONS

To replace the sanctions imposed by the NCAA, the Syracuse University Athletic Department has proposed 10 alternatives, stating that it is unfair to punish current and future SU student-athletes for any "alleged" NCAA violations by their predecessors.   No admission of actual guilt is acknowledged.

(1)  Every Saturday during the off-season, Coach Boeheim shall be put under house arrest at Friendly's Family Restaurant,  forced to eat his favorite ice cream really fast, and wave his arms like an albatross until the brain-freeze subsides.  He will have do it again when he wins his 1000th game played only by eligible players.
(2)  Julie Boeheim, dressed in clothes bought off-the-rack, will be forced to watch the brain-freeze torture, while singing "Afternoon Delight" in Jim's ear, over and over.
(3)  All the "ineligible" players will be rounded up by Dog the Bounty Hunter and sent to Disneyland, where they will be sentenced to ride all day long through "It's a Small World" in a boat filled with a school chorus of tone-deaf, mouse-eared  children of Scientologists opposed to the measles vaccine.  The players will not get a bathroom break and they will miss the Parade!
(4)  Taco Bell will invoice any responsible ineligible players for the cost of all the tacos that were given away to fans after games in which they played.
(5)  The luxury SUVs provided to the "coaching staff"  by local auto dealerships will no longer be equipped with multi-disk CD players.
(6)  In lieu of Athletic Scholarships, all new recruits will have to settle for Academic Scholarships.
(7)  Bernie Fine will be declared ineligible for induction into the College Basketball Hall of Fame.  The same goes for John Thompson and Bobby Knight. Any prior induction shall be nullified.
(8) Some of the actual ingredients of Dome Dogs will be published in The Daily Orange.
(9) The 2016 SU Cheerleading Squad will not get new uniforms until ACC Conference play begins.
(10) In 2016, The SU Marching Band will not be allowed on "Jim Boeheim" Court to play "We Are The Champions".  They will only be allowed to play "Afternoon Delight" or "It's a Small World."

SON of MUSIC MAN

a comically tragic grand opera  

 Sung throughout, just like Phantom of the Opera (well, sort of). 

ADD Tangent:  This concept might make a fun party game.  Go around the room, one line per person, creating a story with song lyrics.

CAST of CHARACTERS:

Gary Indiana (Gary Indiana) -- that obnoxious carrot-top kid from The Music Man, secret love-child of Robert Preston and Ethel Merman. Gary is now 25 years-old and sings every word that comes out of that obnoxious Hoosier-mouth of his. He should ask his doctor if Lyrica is right for him.

Annie Warbucks -- now 22 years old, no longer little nor an orphan, but still an obnoxious (yet lovable) redhead, who has the same lyrical disorder as Gary Indiana (Gary Indiana). 

The Narrator -- equally obnoxious and, alas, stricken with a terminal  earworm, the entire contents of his brain having been displaced by song lyrics that won't go away until he reformats his hard-drive.  Rightly played by the playwright, of course, except when he's retching due to his own libretto, when MaryLou covers for him.

ACT ONE (Singular Sensation)

Narrator -- How shall I begin to tell the story? Talk about the boy? Talk about the girl?  Na na NAH nah ... I write the songs!  When a body meets a body, anything can happen.  Who knows? Boy-oh, Boy-oh! Something's happenin' here!  Lordy, Lord I'm tellin' you. 

Gary -- Monday, Monday! All alone am I.  I'm Mr. Blue (wah oo wah ooo). I ain't got nobody.  I've looked at clouds and I think it's gonna rain today.
Narrator -- But no one heard at all, not even a chair.

Gary -- Well these boots are made for walkin'.  Gotta walk that lonesome valley ... singin', singin' in the rain. I walk alone.  All by myself.  Strollin down the aven-oo, the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Lonely Street ...
Narrator -- Over, over and over ... but no one heard at all.  Here she comes ... pretty woman, walkin' down the street. 

Annie -- I didn't sleep a wink last night.  I've been cryin'.  (Wah oo wah ooo.) Tears on my pillow. So I say to myself, don't let the sun catch you cryin'. Oh, No!
Narrator -- It's raining! It's pouring! The sun ain't gonna shine anymore!

Gary -- Well, I'm a-walkin'.  I'm a travelin' man.  Fal-da-ree, Fal-da-rah ... 

Annie --  Who's that man, just a-walkin' down the street? He knows not where he's going to. He's just a man. Oh, No! Stop (in the name of love).

Gary -- Who am I? Who am I?

Annie -- Gary Indiana! Gary Indiana! You don't remember me, but I remember you. Try to remember. Back in the good ol' days. We were young, and didn't have a care. 
Narrator -- He went away, but now he's ba-ack. Look out, look out, look out, look out. He's no good for you, foolish little girl.  
Annie -- Listen! Do you want know a secret? Gary Indiana (Gary Indiana.) I wanna marry you ... and we're gonna get married.

Gary -- In the year 2525.  When Jupiter aligns with Mars. 

Annie -- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gary -- It's not time to make a change. Let's spend the night together.

Annie -- R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Will you still love me tomorrow? 

Gary -- E-I-E-I-O.  Got a rocket in my pocket.

Narrator -- Boy-oh, boy-oh!  [deleted -- title and lyrics from a Woody Guthrie song recorded by the Kingston Trio ... and a line from "I Am Woman"].

Annie -- Ah! Sweet mystery of life!
Narrator -- Let's go out to the lobby.
________________________________________________________________________________
ACT TWO (Turtle-Doves)

Annie -- We're goin' to the chapel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Indiana wants me and we're gonna get married.

Gary -- Nah, nah, NAH, nah. Never in a million years.

Annie -- Here we are! Two turtledoves -- and baby makes three.

Gary -- Kids? We've got trouble, right here. Kids?

Annie -- What's the matter with kids?

Gary -- Nah, nah, NAH, nah.  There, I've said it again. Hey, hey hey, Goodbye!

Annie -- Hey hey hey?  Goodbye?

Gary -- Sing for me, softly, as I leave you. It's time to move on. See you in September (in the year 3535).

Annie -- I'll see you in my dreams. I will always love you-oo-ooo.

Narrator -- But no one heard at all ... not even a ch... ch...  chh....

arrrgh! eccchhh!  Hello, MaryLou!  I want you, I need you! Help me if you can.

 Don't say No, it's THE END

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A Glossary of Seldom-Used Musical Terms

Dr Speedbump’s                                                     Glossary of Seldom-Used Music Terms 3.5 Page 1 of 2
al dente	with a toothy grin; (see liberace)
al Fredo	heart-breaking
al Pacino	violent, but charming
altissimo	as high as you can sing
analgesia	gradually emerge from a painfully slow tempo
anchovi	few will like this section; (see broccoli)
anesthesia	slow enough to put the audience to sleep
archipelago	extremely stretched out
aria guitaria	air guitar
aria guitaria segovia	very good air guitar
asphyxia	squirming around in your seat to get more comfortable
awolto	an alto who’s absent without notifying the director
broccoli	distasteful, but doesn’t stink as bad as anchovi
bromo salsa	a dance like the one that follows anchovi pizza molto presto
caracas	crisp; (see dorito and tostito)
cleavagio	whole notes smushed together but still distinct
clipiti clopiti	in the style of Gene Autry; (see palomino)
colorado	beautiful, except where it’s flat
con supina	sing even if you don’t want to
counter tenor	a singing waiter at a diner
da Vinci	be inventive; make something up
de Julio	campy, but in an oriental style
de Niro	forget about it; the composer’s not talking to you
disconcerto	falling apart; e.g. when the conductor loses his place
domino	finish the movement in 30 minutes or less, or admission is free
dorito	corny; one variation of caracas
dumbo	heavy, but soaring
el Greco	distorted, just like the last section and the one before that
fargo	from a distance
farina	fine but distasteful
fraudulento	sung slowly, faking the words
gambino	in control and with conviction; screw it up and you’ll regret it
gelatino	generally shaky
generalissimo	with a commanding voice
graziano	a rocky, medium-heavy rhythm; (see marciano)
innuendo	very suggestively
karo	sickeningly sweet
largo cargo	slow and heavy
largo con fuego	a slow burn
liberace	with gaiety and a toothy grin (see al dente), usually in a tuxedo
Glossary of Seldom-Used Music Terms Page 2 of 2
linguini	a very thin tone
marciano	a rocky, very heavy rhythm; (see graziano)
martini pimento	ornamentation with no real purpose
mea culpa	with lots of mistakes
mea maxima culpa	the worst mistake imaginable
nolo prima	miss the entrance
oleo	saturated with flats
omaha	flat and boring
palomino	more uniform than pinto; (preferred by Gene Autry)
pinto	with contrasting spots; (see clipiti clopiti)
paterno	with blind determination, ad infinitum
payola	you must pay to play; obviously, no union musicians
pinnochio	played stiffly with strings
pizza molto	very flat
pizza pepperoni	with zest, but still flat
pizza poco	just a little flat
pizza poco a poco	getting flatter all the time
pp	what you should have done before the concert
priapistico	performed while standing for more than 4 hours
primi	start way too soon
quasi modo	moving along at half-speed
quasi morte angelina	beautiful but fading; literally “like a dying angel”
repugnissimo	very disgusting
rico	performed by an ensemble, when it’s supposed to be a solo
riga morte	stiff and very dull; quiet but not soft
rigatoni	a more robust tone; (see linguini)
rondo bondo	a recurring theme, each time by a different instrument, but never as well as the second one; always rehearsal section 007
sara palino	with no preparation and stopping suddenly halfway through
semolina	coarse and gritty
siberia	no sorento, ever
silencio	a cappella tutti (orchestra, chorus and soloists)
soni bono	literally “a good sound”, but actually a bit irritating
sorento	go back to this place; (synonymous with DS)
stubato	stumbling painfully along
tipperari	from an even greater distance than fargo
topeka	there’s absolutely nothing for you to do in this section
toledo	very exciting (umm…compared to omaha or topeka, anyway)
tostito	another variation of caracas (see dorito)
vivace fortissimo subito	wake the audience up; (see anesthesia)
wasilla vista	see siberia
zombi	riga morte quasi modo